I don’t really enjoy awards shows. I get too nervous. When I was younger, I was put into a lot of piano competitions and awards shows make all of those uncomfortable feelings come rushing back. That anticipation of your name being called…the fraught stillness in the room, the nerves, the tension, the opening of the little envelope. Then the announcement of Eddie Fung winning first place instead of me. The camera cutting to me as I attempt a “not sore loser” face and clap politely. Eddie Fung’s over-the-top acceptance speech, thanking his parents for their sacrifice, God for the gift of his extreme talent, and the fact that he didn’t trip on his Dior gown on the way up—wait, oh. Okay, so maybe not exactly how it went, but let's just say it brings back some uncomfortable memories.
I do always try to catch the highlights the next day because, to be honest, the highlights are all I really have the patience (and stamina) for anyway. I mean, these shows are about 3 hours long. Who really watches the whole thing? (I won’t judge you if you do, but I will probably think you’re a little weird. It's okay, we all have our thing)
And Leo!!! Leo won!!!
Can we all breathe a big – finally!! Well, those of you who care? Okay, here we go…one, two, three - Finally!! Yeah, so that was kind of weak. Maybe I should expand it to include those who are happy to not hear about Leo being shut out of the Oscars anymore?
Finally!! (much better).
Yay, Leo!! Okay, so maybe in truth? I’m really not the hugest Leo fan…but I feel bad about Oscar always being so mean to him. It is my nature to vote for the underdog. I’ve been rooting for Leo since way back to his performance alongside Kirk Cameron in the 80’s sit-com Growing Pains? Remember? He played a homeless teenager and the Seavers took him in out of the kindness of their hearts? No? Okay, understood. It was a while ago. Thank you, by the way, as now I feel one thousand years old. You should really Youtube it, though…it’s back when he smiled a lot and didn’t care about the fate of the environment (hence all the smiling).
He won the Oscar this year for The Revenant. A movie which I probably should have watched, but I heard it was about a bear attack and I’m saving my illogical, yet fiercely life-dominating fear of bears to be its own blog post someday. Let’s just say as much as I enjoy making fun of (yet weirdly rooting for) Leo, I am not watching a movie about a bear attack.
I read that he cut his hand quite badly during the filming of the movie Django, Unchained…and had the cameras keep rolling so that the outcome would be more realistic. At the time I thought, just give the man his Oscar already. Then he can go home and throw his giant Victoria’s Secret Super-model party where everyone arrives in hybrid vehicles or bikes. They are served sustainably sourced, grass-fed Tuscan steak and local seasonal vegetables. The house is not heated, but don’t worry about those barely-clad guests. It is a mammoth, glass-panelled luxury mansion in Southern California where it’s always warm, so a good time will still had by all.
I’d love to comment more about Chris Rock and his, um, barely discernable, well-hidden and cleverly disguised (ahem) bitterness regarding the alleged “black-out” of the Oscars (I watched some clips, I am up to speed...), but I am not qualified to comment on such intensely controversial and highly volatile issues. He’s funny, Chris Rock…that much, I feel safe to say. If you think my approach to this is a little wimpy, keep in mind that I am the person who always has an eye out for a rogue bear. Even when parking at the mall. So…
I missed Lady Gaga’s “emotional” and “heartfelt” performance, but I will (probably) Google it later. Mostly to see what she wore. Was it ridiculous? I really hope so. I get a little disappointed when she doesn’t show up in some elaborate headpiece, 12 inch platform heels and “art” rather than a dress. Wait. This just in. I Googled it now. No headpiece at all. Now I won’t be able to bring myself to watch her “emotional” and “heartfelt” performance. No headpiece? I have my limits.
Speaking of no elaborate headpiece, word on the street (okay, fine…not “on the street”. Google is nudging me to give credit where it’s due. It’s always about you, Google, isn’t it) Anyway, so Google has informed me that all of the fancy ball-gowns had most of their fanciness sloughed off this year! There were straighter silhouettes, less glitter and glitz and much more subtlety. I won’t say I was a little disappointed (again)because you’re going to start thinking I’m just curmudgeonly because it’s Monday. And that I don’t really have the authority to comment on a show that I did not, in fact, watch.
You could be right. Maybe I will quit while I’m ahead. Am I ahead? Were we not thinking I was ahead? Personally, I think Google and I did pretty well, considering we were watching “Best Gifs – Funny or Die” instead of the Oscars.
So congrats to Leo. I’m sure he will read this and give a curt nod in my general direction. Someday my great-grandchildren will remember him as the man who single-handedly saved the environment because everyone just ended up living in one of his many houses. Sustainably. Barely a carbon footprint in sight.
Hope that coffee is working by now.