So why do I willingly display a bug on my blog page? I don't know either, now that you mention it. I'd like to change it. Which would require me to read instructions on how to do that. Which would require some patience. Which explains why this praying mantis might welcome you (or creep you out) for the foreseeable future...because I don't have any of that (patience).
If life came with an instruction manual, I’d never end up reading it. At best, I’d skim it. I’d probably skip ahead to the end, find out that we all die and then sadly go and bury my sorrows in Oreos.
The instructions to things are useful, though. Mainly to fan myself with. After getting a little hot, while figuring out how to do whatever it is, on my own. It’s not that I think instructions are a waste of time or that my own way is better! My way is not better. Just ask any of my slightly wonky Ikea furniture (but don’t touch it) (don’t sit on the chairs). It’s mostly just that I’m impatient.
Impatience is most evident while driving. Driving and patience do not go hand in hand. They do not go together at all. They are not even Facebook friends. Everyone's true self shows when they are driving. A great first date would be to take a long drive somewhere in a big city. Not rush hour, necessarily, but a drive with some variety of drivers…like that guy driving in front of you who taps his brakes every 4 seconds. Or the young girl who is not texting (because that is dangerous), but is applying mascara with much better precision than staying in her lane. The lady who plays it safe and leaves her left-turn signal on all the time (for any future left-turn situation that might arise). Or those 2-lane taker uppers! Or the elderly...ohhh. The elderly. Here's an idea – before you introduce your date to your parents - let him/her DRIVE behind your parents. Better yet, your grandparents. You'll get to know that person really well, really fast.
The funny thing is that I’m such a good driver, my impatience rarely affects it. My speeding tickets are purely a result of my bad luck. I mean, the ONE time I’m going slightly over, there happens to be a policeman right there! The ONE time! (the one time today) (this morning). And as far as my laying on the horn at the advanced turn light, the absolute millisecond it turns green (because the car in front of me has not immediately shot ahead)? Well, that is clearly for the benefit of all the other cars behind me. I’m always thinking of others. To a fault, really.
Another way impatience is a super-fun trait to have is when filling out forms for my daughters’ school. High school is not quite as bad as elementary school – those days really tested my patience. Or they meant to, anyway. My patience slipped away unnoticed (which is easy to do when you are that tiny).
That first year of Kindergarten especially, there was an inch thick stack of forms to read through and sign. They were all under the pretext of “we want to keep your child safe” but were obviously saying “Go ahead - try suing us. This is iron-clad, baby”.
I dutifully read the first form. And most of the second. I started the third, skimmed…then I handed the remaining bundle to my young daughter.
Me: honey, read me these and give me the gist, okay?
Her: I can't wead.
Me: Oh, silly. You can!! Just sound the words out.
Her: toooo whooo...m it maa
Me: (this was even more painful) Wait! Let's play a game. You find the line on each page and draw this little picture for me! (showing her my scrawl of a signature)
Her: Okay, Mommy! (she loves this new game) Can I use pink?
Me: uhh...better stick with this pen...
Okay, so maybe I didn't really have my 5 year-old sign my name to important forms. I did, however, have her help me find the "sign here" line. She'd point, I'd sign...we whipped through that stack in record time. I could only hope I wasn’t signing up for lunch duty. Pretty sure a “mother of the year” nomination for me wasn’t in there though.
I’m a great starter of things. I start books, movies, conversations, closet re-organizations…I start writing novels, I start drawing masterpieces to hang on the wall, I start “Ways to Make Thousands of Dollars Working From Home”. I’m just not a great finisher of things (the thousands are still pending). I blame my patience because it is too little to defend itself.
I finish things when it counts. Like a bowl of ice-cream. A good meal. Or a blog post on impatience. So, in case you are like me and just skimmed down to this part, thanks for checking in but…well. We’re done here.
update: seems like this blog was ended very hastily. Like someone was too anxious to get it posted. Like they couldn't take one second to end it nicely and say something like - have a great day everybody! - like as if just saying "I'm impatient" gives you license to be rude. I'm sure you'll overlook it, you guys are pretty good that way.
Have a great day, everybody!