What? The caps were a little over-the-top weren't they? I know.
Okay, I apologize. One - for the cringey five things reference after you explicitly banned me from saying it, and two, for trying to simultaneously cover up my absence for the past 5 weeks and make you think it was days. I know. Incontheivable.
I’m really apologetically grimacing right now. It’s good you can’t see...I don’t have a good grimace face. It’s similar to my "stubbing my baby toe" face. I simply wanted to spare everyone the details of all my sad and boring personal issues in my personal blo—oh. I see your point.
I guess the thing is that sometimes life (like death and taxes) isn’t very funny. Isn't that the saying? I'm pretty sure it is. I try to keep my humour blog funny. Ish? Let’s just say that I’m not a good enough writer to make death and taxes funny. I know what you’re thinking…death, taxes...really? Yes.
So, great! Now that we’re all caught up, let’s move on.
Let’s talk about bombs, wanna? Studies have shown that three out of five world leaders today can’t resist dropping the “bomb” bomb within a 5 week period. Whether that means literally dropping it or just boasting about it being bigger than someone else’s, the studies have proven correct.
1. The MOAB
I’ll admit to bringing this up because I can’t resist a good acronym. I’m excited when my daughters hit me with a tbh or a smh...or something I have to figure out. Sometimes it’s nfo (not figure out-able) and I have to google it. Secretly those are my favourite. I feel like a spy.
Imagine my joy at reading about the MOAB!! (okay, stop imagining. You look horrified.) The bomb recently dropped in Afghanistan by the US Armed Forces (to break up an ISIS hang sesh) was a “Massive Ordinance Air Blast” (MOAB).
But let’s skip past all the fun facts. GET. THIS. MOAB also stands for the Mother Of All Bombs. Right?? Dual acronym meaning!!! How happy am I? Okay, well…generally speaking, not very. (see: first paragraphs). Also, wouldn’t a big old nuke arguably be the Mother of all mother of all bombs? Furthermore, why are we letting bombs procreate when we don’t even need bombs in the first place. We need peace. Aka: magic. Aka*: The Unicorn Frappucino
2. The Unicorn Frappucino
Aka: the selfie drink. To clarify: the swirly colourful concoction from Starbucks that has become an instagram sensation because of people selfie-ing with it and the legend of it containing magical powers. I wanted to post a selfie of myselfie with one when I found out that they are like, 8 million calories, magical powers notwithstanding.
My daughter said they taste like Skittles. Skittles are...meh. On my long list of things I allow on “cheat” days, they rank around number 278, and tbh, I never make it down that far (just not enough hours, really…) Also, Idk about actually drinking Skittles.
Baristas were pleading that people to stop ordering the drink because it is such a complicated drink to make. That qualifies as a reason? At...Starbucks? It’s sticky, evidently. They get blue and pink powder in their hair. They are expected to add “magic” to the drinks, yet they were only offered a 2-day quickie course on being a wizard. So, whether or not your Skittley drink will “transcend” is the luck of the draw. The sugar high may offer a placebo effect. Good luck with that.
3. When that guy on Survivor outed that guy who is transgender
I’m aware this is old news. But I haven’t watched this week’s episode where it’s something about Ozzie. I am now on a total media quarantine until I watch it tonight. No spoilers, please! Just let me have this? (otherwise I will issue a very special kind of magic for your Unicorn Frapp. I know some people).
The incident would have been the perfect opportunity to rake Jeff Varner over the coals and make him the poster-boy for hate! But we weren’t prepared for the heartfelt apology. Head in hands, shaking with weeping type of sorry. Aww, Varner. Bad move, dude, but please stop crying! Zeke will (might) be...okay? Everything will (might) be okay. Listen, let’s make this about the unthinkable act of outing someone. Yes. Let’s do that! It’s none of y’alls business to out anyone. Ever. Got that?
It felt weirdly like a let-down. It’s kinda like the thing when there is a massive earthquake and by some glitch in the matrix - everyone is okay. You’re like, everyone survived? (googling frantically…) Everyone? (smile dissolving, wicked glint in eyes fading) Wow! That is awesome news! (wondering why this is even news) We are just so so...(disappointed sigh) lucky!!!
It is also notable that Survivor was taped last year, so this is old news on multiple levels. I’m willing to bet Jeff Probst still has the shirt he wore that night, though.
4. Bill O’Reilly getting fired from Fox News because of allegations of sexual harassment.
This doesn’t seem funny either? But I’m putting it in here because I can’t miss an opportunity to point okay the not-okayness of sexual harassment in any circumstance by anyone. #notokay #hashtagsdon’tworkhere
On a completely unrelated note, Bill O'Reilly has a shot at the next presidency. He wouldn’t be the first...you know...President named Bill.
5. Mama said there’d be days like this...
As mentioned in the first paragraph, I missed a lot of days (grimace face again).
I missed April Fool’s Day, so as a humour blogger, I should have been ashamed of myself, but I’m not...because I did post! Yep. It was hilarious! You just missed it (April Fool’s right there).
I missed Pie Day (March 14) (aka: "Pi" Day) But hey! It’s okay. I googled it. I did the Math. You’re allowed to eat pie on other days too, sooo...(fewf).
I missed World Health Day (April 7). Google insists you can also be healthy on other days too, which flies in the face of the pie thing, but I trust Google.
Purple Day (March 26th) (Google...whuu?)
Weed Day. (April 20th) (ahhh...say no more)
*Aka: also known as…
(Aka: most overused and slightly pretentious acronym ever)
(Aka: favourite acronym ever)