On second thought, you know what...it's Monday. Don't think. I will do the honours of elaborating on a topic that no one cares about. That is why I am here. I am the voice of the people. Just call me Joan of Arc. No, wait, I got one! Call me Joan of Park?? Sorry, sorry. Monday. We don't do lame puns today either.
To be honest, I'm writing this because I went shopping yesterday and apparently someone has apprised the general public that there is only 38 shopping days left until Christmas (sorry - holiday where people give gifts to each other). Game faces everywhere...it is ON, baby.
As I'm looking for a parking spot (aka: an exercise in futility), I start to re-think my shopping list. Do I really need special lamb treats for the dog today? Just because someone thinks she is allergic to the chicken treats we still have millions of? And apples? Aren't they are right up with bananas as practically a dessert? Dessert is bad...I bet they even cause tooth decay. And Milk? Cheese? Maybe now is the time to try going dairy-free. That's IT! The universe, (thank you universe!) has given me a clear sign that I'm supposed to go dairy fre---oh wait. Ice-cream is dairy, right? Fine, I'll keep looking..
How cute are the people who drive into the aisle and just sit and wait for a spot to open up? The sitters. It's funny how they are about to walk ALL over the store but will wait a good 10 minutes in the parking lot to not have to walk an extra 50 feet to the door. (this excludes Canadians 9 months out of the year when those extra 50 feet are unfathomably, freakin cold) (plus we don't measure in feet) (that doesn't mean our feet aren't cold.)
It's not so cute when the sitters decide to "claim" people who are done shopping and returning to their cars. Have you seen this? Literally putting on their signal light to indicate the person who is walking. Reserving their future spot, sight unseen. Back off, man...this one's mine!
Sometimes I want to put my signal on and "claim" the same guy, just to see some fun parking-lot rage. I'd love for someone to go ballistic at me - trying to steal their "person." Although not in reality. Sometimes I forget that life is not a giant video-game.
There's also the spot stealer. They often make their move on the backer-uppers. I'm kinda with the stealers on this one, I mean...you had to back in? Really? Planning ahead for your departure? Type A, much? You probably back up into your driveway too. Your garage is so neat and organized, you could easily back up right in there as well, but you are planning to use it later this afternoon to build custom shelves for your home-office.
There's also another type, but you may not know about him because he is the "park at the very back” guy. Just heads straight for the back, doesn't even check. Does not even CHECK. I mean…you can't at least go see?!! Nope. The very back. (fine, drop me off first, then) (is what one might say) (just a guess).
If you ask these people why so far back, it is quite likely you will hear the word "dinged." They are not pro "ding." Also not big on "door jobs." Their vehicles are immaculate. I'm not saying these people are always men, I'm just saying they are usually never women.
These men - sorry, drivers - often attempt to call parking at the back "good exercise." Whether the woman - sorry, passenger (but woman, for the sake of argument) - is extremely fit or not fit in the slightest...do not tell her this is exercise. She decides what constitutes exercise. Usually she thinks of exercise as a separate event, never to be confused with the following: taking the stairs, cleaning, standing at her desk (as opposed to sitting) or sex....but make no mistake, she reserves the right to call any of those exercise if she feels like it. She does. You do not get to weigh in, Parker at the backer.
For ideal parking conditions, I would suggest 7am Sunday morning. You may have to wait a few hours for the mall to open but that spot! I mean. Right? Just steps from the door! You could use that extra time just to stare at it smugly.
Or better still...two words that will change your life. Online shopping (Joan of Arc, out...)