What? You might ask? Especially if you knew how much I love gadgets. Why peel an apple when you can attach it to a relatively large contraption and watch for fifteen minutes as it does a mesmerizing little merry-go-round of curls?
Except that this blog post is not about gadgets (one day it will be) (because I love them). No, this post is about “false advertising”. See what I did there? You thought it was about kitchen gadgets while I was gearing up for the big plot twist…false advertising about false advertising! Whoa. Mind. Blown.
Okay, I confess…that was completely unintentional. Let’s just pretend it was just me being a genius. Please, let’s! (it's really fun...I do it all the time and everyone loves it).
Anyway, it’s not not about gadgets? Kitchen gadgets are like the poster children for false advertising. And their playground is the infomercial. There is a lot of bullying on that particular playground - in the form of insisting you call within 30 minutes to get even more useless stuff - “but wait! There’s more…!”
I’m haven’t really fallen victim to infomercials, I see right through them (we’ve discussed my genius). I mean, my Magic Bullet doesn’t count. Not only would it be capable of pulverizing a shoe (if the situation called for it), but it is magic, people. I’m not about to question magic. Otherwise I’d have to stop buying fairy dust and I just found a website where you can order it online (free shipping!)
The Snuggie doesn’t count either. I may have mentioned living in Canada? No one is going to judge me on how I stay warm, no matter how ridiculous I look. And I’m almost positive the Thigh-master doesn’t count, who even remembers that? (not my thighs)
The Slap Chop doesn’t count either, because everyone needs to chop stuff, right? My consensus on that one is that it’s great if you enjoy red and painfully sore palms. To avoid long term loss of…um, feeling in hands? I wouldn’t recommend daily use. Although I do have to admit to having a weakness for choppers. I’m inexplicably obsessed with finding a way to chop things faster. I start out chopping something with the chopper du jour, then get immediately fed up with its inadequacy and finish the chopping myself. The old fashioned way. (you know…with the Ginsu knives) As a result, I have developed mad chopping skills. I can decimate an onion in seconds. The bar is set high (top shelf, next to the Veg-o-matic). Impress me, As Seen On TV people! You Shark Tank wanna-be’s! Ronco! (is the Ronco guy still around? Did he fall into his dehydrator or is he just old now?) Raise that chop game!
Until that happens, I will keep making my impressive donations to Goodwill. Which is great because I’m almost positive that the less fortunate - people who can barely make ends meet - are equally concerned about the rate at which they chop stuff.
So, my favourite gadget you ask? (oh great, is she still on that?) (yes) Okay, get this. It’s not a chopper at all!
It’s a pair of scissors. That’s right. Scissors!
(somehow I thought the reaction would be more dramatic)
Every day, as I use scissors to open any and all food packages, to cut square deli slices to fit on round bagel bottoms and lasagna noodles to fit my weirdly oval pan. To render chicken breasts into those little stir-fry strips, everything – even green beans. My mother-in-law would prep the beans by individually snapping each little end off. It took her roughly a thousand years. She said she enjoyed the one-by-one snappity process…it was relaxing. I wanted to eat Christmas dinner preferably sometime before Easter dinner, so I just I would grab a fistful and my trusty scissors – done and done.
She wasn’t the only one a little judgey of my exorbitant scissor use…
Are you cutting kale with scissors?
No, I’m cultivating a field of maize in a small African village.
Hilarious. You should write a humour blog. I meant why. Why are you using scissors. Don’t you have knives?
I do (Ginsu)…but I only have only 3 minutes.
Why do you only have 3 minutes?
Because we eat at 5:30 and it’s 5:27? (um…duh?)
Would the world end if we ate at, like, 5:35?
Would you be less threatened by scissors pointing at you than a knife?
The whole “false advertising” thing started with me trying to open my package of low-sodium, low-fat, nitrate and preservative-free turkey deli slices (a distant cousin to actual turkey…don’t worry, very little taste resemblance). There was little tab that said “easy open! Pull here!”
It was false advertising! I pulled at the tab and nothing happened. Seriously? I even got out my tiny little craft pliers, (and you thought it ended at scissors) Still not budging. If this was easy opening, then my interpretation of “easy” needs re-thought. Of course I used my scissors and had it open in one second. That’s what I should have done in the first place.
There are way too many examples of false advertising to make fun of in a single blog post. From infomercials to regular commercials to pretty much anything out there - even saying the word false, followed by advertising is kind of redundant…they’re basically the same thing. It’s best to just assume nothing works like they say it will or looks like they say it will look.
Assume that about people too, while you’re at it. Trust nothing. Trust no one. Don’t go out there – you’ll be swayed. Lured in! No, just stay home. Bring the scissors and kale down to the bunker in the basement and just stay there.
I hate to end on a negative note. Children and dogs. I’ve said it before. They are the honest ones. So maybe bring a few of those down there with you.
(you’re going to want to bring some Febreeze, in that case)
(they say it really gets those nasty smells out…?)