The Pros and Cons of gardening
(it may come as a surprise that I - with my normally sunny and positive disposition - was able to come up with some cons. It took some effort, obviously. I had to dig deep) (yeah...I heard it too)
- Imagine receiving the gift of beautiful flowers every day! Flowers! Every day! Planted by…well, by you! Sooo…a gift to yourself! It's just that you have to weed now and then. And water. Every. Every. Single. Da—wait, okay let’s not get off track here...these are the "pros"
- You will be the envy of any nearby neighbour whose weedy lawn might currently be a study in yellows in purples…(dandelions and whatever weed makes that odd little purple flower)
- You can walk through a garden center pretending that you are in your own lovely garden, taking several well-placed and carefully cropped selfies. What. Oh...good point. I guess you could do this without a garden. Hmm. Okay, but who doesn’t love a jam-packed “pros” column?
- you can get one of those garden hose box thingies that let you turn the dial to wind up millions of feet of hose. They are efficient, they are practical and they blow your mind a little (How does it all fit in there…where does it go?)
- You can buy all kinds of fun sprinklers (you can even run through them for fun) (be sure to have some kids around as props if you do this)
- You can buy garden gnomes. You can be “that house with the garden gnomes”. Make sure to do a daily head-count of your gnomes in case of gnome thievery or gnome vandalism or inappropriate gnome re-positioning. They are fun little friends, once you get to gnome. (oh nooo…she didn’t) (yes...I'm afraid she did)
- You can grow your own vegetables and save loads of money. Because I know that your budget is probably very strained due to the vast quantities of carrots, cucumbers and lettuce that you are currently buying.
- You can feed the wildlife with the vegetables you grow. They will wreak havoc on your lawn with their deer-like hooves and then look at you with their “I’m just trying to get by here” Bambi eyes. Or wildlife with rabbit-like habits of decapitating flowers and eating every leafy-green you’ve planted…right down to the ground (they are very health-conscious). And all of them leaving little pellets (about the size of jelly-beans and/or Skittles, but definitely NOT jellybeans or Skittles) but this is still a “pro” because who doesn’t love a little bit of havoc-wreaking? That’s what summer is all about.
- you can even grow one of those gigantic, morbid looking zucchinis that win contests at the type of “fairs” you would never normally not attend
- You can say garden as a verb
- Gardening is zen. Zen is something we should all seek (note to self: look up zen again)
- You can get one of those huge, wide-brimmed hats you couldn’t get away with in any other scenario
- You can get those cute gloves (the pattern choices are endless)
- You will have the opposite of joy when you pull up into the driveway and wilty, dried up, brownish flowers indicate that you forgot to water yesterday. Or was it the day before? Wait, this is Friday…oh, so last weekend? Okay, seriously, where does the time go (a) and (b) does it ever rain? Like, ever? What is this, the Mojavi desert, seriously.
- You realize that dirty means more than just the stuff you normally use the word for. It comes from the word dirt. Get it? Dirt….y. Huh. (I know, right?)
- Garden centers are a creepy dead zone mid-August when you’ve accidentally over-watered or under-watered everything and need all new flowers
- Your daughter posts a picture of you in the wide-brimmed hat on her Instagram and you realize that you actually don’t look like the cool, boho-chic type of earth-lover you are picturing in your head
- You lose so many gardening gloves in the actual garden that you are kind of hoping that they just mulch down. Isn’t cotton a natural fiber?
- You start to use expressions like “mulch down”
- You’ve given your dog so many more reasons to bark at the window…yet you can’t let her outside in case the barking causes the neighbours to go slightly insane and arrange to have her “disappear” mysteriously and…wait. I’m thinking this might have to get copy/pasted into the “pros” section
- A weed that has been yanked out by its 5 inch root, weed-killer poured directly into the hole that was left, mulch packed on top, the area cultivated lovingly with your bare hands for several minutes, dirt put over that, more mulch put over that, more of the loving cultivating thing again and…? That weed will show up the very next day, pop its little green face out of the ground and go nananananana, wiggling it’s leafy fingers in the air.
Send me some pictures of your gardens! (I won’t post them on Instagram as my own – who would do that…)
(just, uh…make sure that there are no people in them?)
(unless it’s a blurry women in a wide-brimmed hat looking boho-chic)