Running makes me feel like I can do anything. Climb that mountain, tunnel through that barrier, wear that pair of skinny jeans...
Also, if you say you are a runner, people often assume you "do" marathons, which is something I strongly promote (the assumption, that is). I will casually say, yeah...the 10k is next Saturday, soo...(because there is always one going on somewhere). I don’t know why I want to convey this so badly. Maybe it's about that participant number. I know the perfect running shirt that number would look great stuck to the front of to exude maximum coolness (I don't mean temperature) (but temperature too, actually). Maybe it's the thought of those little roadside tables with the Gatorade. Maybe the way I would throw my arms up into the air as I run through that finish line, face awash with sweat and victory, my loved ones cheering...
It it can’t be a reality, I’d at least like to mislead a few people. Everyone doesn’t need the details of my actual run slash walks, often erring on, um...walks? Some days I do my run...at the mall. The Sears end to the Walmart end is not a bad stretch. Okay, fine - it's just walking too (stopping at Starbucks for a coffee) (maybe a little shopping) (what...I do it energetically?) (I wear the shoes?)(who runs at the mall?)
Soo…yeah. I specifically left an air quote open on the word run so that I can always leave it up for interpretation.
I’m hoping that saying I decided to start running will inspire me to…start running. I can do this. Right? I read my motivational quotes this morning - my only limit is me…I can do it...God has granted me the serenity…the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step - actually that last one is my favourite because as luck would have it, I’m not even planning on a journey of a thousand miles! If a thousand miles begins with only one step, you could argue that 5 or 6 miles can be checked off with just the thinking about it, right? (you could argue…but in dealing with me it’s always best to just nod politely).
So I’m going to do it. Even that headache I had from all the hard work I did yesterday, mining that cookie-dough ice-cream and excavating all those nasty chunks out - is gone. I took my vitamin (Advil), I’m well hydrated (coffee)…I’m ready. So, um. We’ll see.
Not to further mislead (think what you want) but I also like to say things like “I looove watching the sunrise…” People think I’m not only a “runner” but that I’m all nature-lovery and reflective too. In reality, it’s hard to actually see any sun rising above the line of houses in the neighbourhood where I jog. Did I say jog? I meant run (everyone knows the cool kids say run and not jog. Jogging is so 1989).
We have a beautiful park behind our house. A lovely little path, a stunning view…even a lake. Well. Maybe not lake. Pond? Fine, since I’ve already divulged the whole running sham, I might as well tell you that it’s really more of a swamp…but it can be very beautiful with the sun coming up behind it. I imagine. I’ve never actually seen it because: coyotes.
No, really! I mean, I joke…I told you the walk/run thing and the lake/swamp thing, but I’m being serious now. There are really coyotes back there. And foxes. And raccoons. Although wait. Have I learned nothing from “Writing For Dummies”? Let’s reverse that order and build some tension here.
There are raccoons and, and...foxes!! And get this! COYOTES!! (better?)
I would need to buy “bear mace” (wait. Bears? If I find out there are bears, the deal's off) Although if I was ever attacked by a wild animal, I am one-hundred percent sure I would panic and spray the mace directly into my own eyes accidentally so I would flail around blindly, making it easier to be mauled to death by said animal.
On the bright side, there are plenty of deer? They are cute and harmless and beautiful - and I love how they look up at you, surprised, when you come running (walking) through. Or maybe they’re just surprised to see me running (walking) (outdoors in the first place).
But it’s SPRING! This is the third blog post in a row where I have referenced spring and the reason is partly that blog material is hard to come by, but mostly because I live in Canada where spring is kind of a big deal. Not like you Floridians, where it could be February or July or November and it’s pretty much all just t-shirt weather. I mean here the spring actually has a smell!! No, don’t worry. It’s a good smell. Mostly. (you’ll want to avoid those rural areas)
I always equate the fresh smell with new starts. Who doesn’t love a new start, right?
There is mumbling emanating from the closet. Apparently my shoes are trying to say – us. We don’t. These shoes are super old. I’m not saying I couldn’t run in them, I’m just saying it would be a handy excuse not to - if I was the excuse-seeking type and not the hard-core RUNNER that I am.
Are they still calling them “kicks”?
I just looked it up, and although Google didn’t mention kicks, it enlightened me to the “barefoot” movement. Apparently we are supposed to be running like our cavemen ancestors now. They even have "barefoot" running shoes...with the toes. They are in the Emperor's New Clothes section, if you are interested.
Anyway, are we even sure the cavemen ran? They all looked so big and lumbery. Plus, our role models are cavemen now, really? Does this mean I can stop shaving my legs?
Maybe this is just my excuse because I have my heart set on a pair of neon pink runners. Sneakers. No, wait - definitely not sneakers. Over-pronators? Whatever. Really just an excuse to do my “run” at the mall today.
If you’re not busy, come run with me. We’ll do the thing where, if you can’t carry on a conversation, you’re probably pushing yourself too hard.
Listen, I don’t make the rules…