Apparently if you "get" sarcasm, it means you are very intelligent. Now there’s a nice little anecdote you can share about yourself when you meet new people – you’re welcome! No, trust me, everyone loves this. Don’t forget to imply that you are smarter than most people, including them...this will set the tone for life-long admiration and constant longing for you to impart your wisdom to their little life.
The thing that attracts me to sarcasm is how it allows you to stay under the radar of the optimists. Those guys scare me, seriously. Do they not ever have bad days? Them, with their insistence that the glass is half-full. Why are we sitting around musing about that? Someone needs to show them how easy it is to just turn on a tap! Just twist – boom. No more debate.
Punching them directly in the face is another option when they come at you with all of their Good Morning, beautiful day!! propaganda…but it could get you arrested and keeping people out of jail has always been a personal goal of mine. So I would suggest you amp up your sarcasm instead. It can be fun, considering how infinitely more intelligent than Ms. Happy Golucky you are. Here is an example. (don't worry about being expressionless. She’ll never notice).
Good Morning! Beautiful day, isn't it?
Yes. I watched the sunrise and thought about all the blessings in my life.
Wow! That is so great! I'm going to try that too!
It helps if you journal.
Hey, that's true!! I've always wanted to start a journal! On those hard days, I could read past entries and be encouraged! That is a fantastic idea!!!
You could add little cartoons. Maybe draw them yourself!
Wow! (she says “wow” a lot) Wow! You are so right! Then later, I could look back on them and smile.
Smiling rocks. Maybe even post it on your Facebook? Share the joy?
You know what, I totally will do that.
Voila…the thankful-journal entry hand-drawn cartoon sharing Facebook annoyer is born. Maybe they will also start tweeting encouraging thoughts on Twitter (fingers crossed! We need way more of these people). Maybe even (dare to dream...) motivational quotes? It's possible that the whole thing will snowball into all of social media...even LinkedIn with all of its professionalism will suddenly be bombarded with your protégé there…quoting Iyana Vansant and/or Eckhart Tolle.
Now tell me that wouldn't be fun, right?
I have sarcasm down. For me it's more as a result of how I was raised (among many sarcastic pessimists whom I love dearly) (did that sound sarcastic?). It’s not a question of uber-intelligence. Go ahead – absorb the shock.
If you doubt it, consider that I just made myself a steaming cup of boiling water because I forgot to put the coffee grains in the filter. Aww…so sweet of you to say it was just a random mistake. There’s more. I was so proud to know the date for once – March 10, 2015 – and I signed it happily to several documents this morning. I told my daughters bemused meant amused when it really means confused (which I, of all people, should know). I fed the dog twice. Within the same hour (she just went with it). I never know when to drop the e. I thought enough was pronounced enought. I’m not just not good at calculus, I struggle with long division. I am flummoxed by yogurt. Isn’t bacteria bad? I really don’t get it.
Should we re-visit the uber-intelligence question?
The best way to win at sarcasm is to be able to recognize it. Imagine a world where everyone just “gets” everyone. Right? Come sit with me on this porch swing, let’s imagine together. As we gaze off into the horizon…okay, that’s enough. Off we get. Listen. You’re going to have to start recognizing it. Knowledge is power, my friends. Best to assume everyone is being sarcastic.
Another good way? Be in a bad mood. Sarcasm and bad moods would go hand in hand, if they were the affectionate type. Mostly they sit around calling each other names and harrumphing a lot. Another idea is to get less sleep. To surround yourself with things that irritate you. To employ someone to cheerily whistle around you. Stack books so they will inevitably fall on your head and don't let sleeping dogs lie...wake those lazy things up. These will all help you sharpen the sarcasm sword.
Although by now you should be observing that being sarcastic all the time may be less about intelligence and more about just not being very nice. As with anything in life, we need balance. We need the nice people to off-set the caustic remark you are just dying to make right now (you thought I couldn’t tell? Pot, kettle, black). But seriously. In a crisis, which type of person are you more likely to wish you had with you? Grumpy McNasty or Ms. Happy Golucky*?
Next time that cheery person greets you with "Good morning! Beautiful day!" you could try being genuine?
Yes, it is lovely.
(their eyes narrowing) You are so mean. Can’t you just say something nice? What is it with you people?!
Okay, well. Baby steps.
*names have been changed to protect anyone from causing personal injury to anyone else.