Resolutions are begging to be made fun of, and I feel a certain responsibility as a (humour) blogger to address this by posting my own. Last year, I went a little off course and posted the resolutions most commonly broken instead. (last year's New Year's post) That was a fun diversion from the cold hard fact that I had decimated all of my resolutions the morning of New Year's Day itself. The year before, I didn't have a blog, so I got out of making resolutions. Ditto for all the previous years...because that's how it works, obviously.
This year will be different (said no one ever). No, but I really mean it this time (said no one ever).
Fine, okay. It may be a long shot, but I feel like if I post my resolutions, it will force me to keep them. How is that going to work? (one might ask) (it's that one who isn't reading this because they are in their basement running on their treadmill like some kind of insane person) Well. Publically declaring something forces you into a type of strange, guilt-trippy commitment accountability thingy, where you feel like people are expecting something of you, so you better deliver or you'll feel bad.
So, really, you are all helping me keep my resolutions. When I am a better person, you will be the first ones I will thank. Just to be on the safe side, don't hold your breath (you could die).
1) Embrace my inner woman.
Take Caitlyn Jenner's example (sidebar resolution: keep a little more up to date on what's currently trending). I feel like I've always been a woman on the inside? This is the year I resolve to make my outsides match my insides! Okay, yes...technically I'm a woman on the outside as well, but I'm planning to wear a little more lipstick this year and really...I think you're missing the point. (stop looking around, you know there's no point)
2) Journal more.
No, not blog more...they're not the same thing (pfft...the same thing). A journal would be my deepest, innermost thoughts on inane topics that no one cares about - however caustic, shallow, pessimistic and silly to the point of almost funny they might be. So...wait, oh...I see what you're doing. I guess they really are the same! Well, great! 2) Blog more.
Aww, but can I just buy a journal? Have you seen the journal selection out there? I've mentioned journal selection in the past as it is a minor obsession of mine (the buying of, as opposed to the writing in). They have some gorgeous ones...everything from leather-bound hardcovers to soft-covers made of the weirdest things. Bamboo? Hemp? Gummy bear material? So, if it's all the same to you, I'm buying a journal. I promise I won't use it.
3) Quit smoking.
It's hard!! Here's the thing. I've never started smoking? So I will be the first to admit that I have it a little bit easier than most smokers. I just saw that movie where Meryl Streep smokes so much that she's trembling and desperately patting everything looking for a cigarette while there is one currently lit between her fingers. It made me think back to when I was 15 and tried a cigarette and didn't like it. To this very day, I find stress-eating much more satisfying and destructive to my health. In other words - I'm done with the smoking. For good. Cold turkey, no patch, no gum. I'm hardcore.
4) Quit drinking.
This will be the biggest hurdle for me. Despite being a complete teetotaler without even having to Google what a teetotaler is (fyi: someone that doesn't drink), I have an unnatural admiration for wine-drinking anecdotes such as: Keep calm and drink wine (hilarious, I'm dying). I have, on occasion, had a sip of Amaretto while making my world-famous Tiramisu. Or a swallow of Jim Beam while making my world-famous Bourbon chicken. Or a tiny glug of Sake when I am making my world-famous stir-fry. I don't know if it's all the pressure of being world-famous? But I have the same reaction to any and all alcohol. An epic, spitty BLAAAAARRTTHHSWWPP YUCK and a few gratuitous hacky coughs. So you see, I may be able to pull this one off (fingers crossed).
5) Be nicer.
Sounds simple, right? Have you tried it? I know!! Way harder than it sounds. Life can make you grouchy...it can be so full of lack! Lack of sleep, lack of caffeine, lack of communication, lack of understanding, lack of compassion, lack of leadership, lack of inner peace, lack of a giant bowl of m&ms at crucial moments, I could go on! Lack of good TV, lack of warm days, lack of....oh. I see you weren't nodding for me to actually go on. You may have been dropping your head in resignation (there she goes again, veering hopelessly off topic) Okay, sorry.
This last one may be the only resolution here that sounds legit and that's because, truthfully, it is. Imagine if we all just tried to be a little more understanding. A little less stubborn. A little...nicer? I'll do it if you will?
(everyone gets a pass on Mondays, and the m&m thing needs addressed, but otherwise...I think it's a pretty doable)
I'll keep you posted, in the meantime - good luck with your own resolutions! May the odds be ever in your favour.