If you happen to have one of those 60 foot Spruce trees (I’m looking at you, Canada…) that thing is just begging for lights, I mean it is one gigantic Christmas tree! You must get out a ladder. Do not stand on your roof. You could fall off and die and who is going to put up the lights then? The ladder is also key, because it is mandatory to wind those lights all the way to the top of that tree, none of this standing on your front lawn and just hurling the string of lights at it as high as you can throw. You are not Lebron James. They will only go up a third of the way at best. In the darkness of night, the slapdash, haphazardness of it all will be lit up for the world to see. Well, okay, for your neighbours to see (you know, the people who really matter).
Then again, I’m being hard on you - credit where credit is due - I mean, you probably have lights up, not like those people over there...(this is where everyone flicks their heads towards our house bitterly. Sometimes they spit).
Yeah, we’re those people. No lights yet. Fine...no lights. (I don't want to give out false hope) Before you get all judgey, I would like to point out that procrastination is a real medical condition. Many people think it has to do with time management, but it is a real—what. It isn’t? Okay, sorry. I could have sworn I read that somewhere. Anyway, why are we talking about procrastination, who brought that up? (besides me, just now.)
I would invite you to consider that there is much more to the holiday spirit than decorating your house. What about family? Maybe while you were outside alone, in the cold, putting up twinkly lights, we were gathered by the fireplace sipping egg-nog and singing Christmas carols (sorry, holiday…um…songs) by the crackling fire. Holding hands and reflecting on our blessings. A lot of smiling. So much smiling. Cozy cushions tucked all around us, puppies and kittens snuggled by our feet. Pretty sure Kirk Cameron was there for some reason. So, yes – quality family time over cold, zillion twinkly light installation soley to impress the neighbours (who, I might remind you, you barely even like…remember the garbage can lid incident?) I think it’s pretty clear whose priorities are in the right place.
Plus, what about the environment? All those lights! At least our carbon footprint is minimal. Teeny tiny…like a newborn baby’s footprint. There should be some kind of award for it. Can someone notify Greenpeace? (is it Greenpeace? Maybe they are the Antarctica guys...it just sounded better than my first thought - Leonardo DiCaprio) (I'm quite sure both of them would be equally moved by our impressive earth mindfulness).
Same goes for the amount of wrapping paper we don’t use on the presents we don’t buy because I am a gift-card person (I bestow that little title on myself around December 23rd when I survey the mall parking lot and proceed directly to one of those little variety stores that sell gift-cards for every store and restaurant imaginable). All that paper saved! Those trees! See? Greenpeace! (Leo?) You can call me Scrooge, but there are trees out there right this minute, putting an arm branch around their small tree children and silently thanking me (trees are silent…contrary to popular belief, they don’t even make a sound when they fall).
And please don’t call me Scrooge? I’m very sensitive. The holidays are overwhelming. I may have mentioned how easily I become overwhelmed. For example, my holiday baking consists of making fudge, but get this: two ingredients, my friends...just two. Chocolate chips and sweetened condensed milk. Microwave. If you start talking about adding pecans or peanut-butter bits, I have to go lie down in a darkened room.
I handle the holidays the same way you would handle a ride on a roller-coaster (after insisting you are not a roller-coaster person and hearing for the millionth time oh, you will love it!) I close my eyes, buckle in, hang on really tight…and then just wait for it all to be over.
Sometimes, I open one eye (while simultaneously screaming my lungs out) and notice that it maybe is kind of fun? Not fun like, Let’s go again!! Let’s go again!! More like fun as in, okay...I kind of get it? But after this, we have to wait an entire year before anyone mentions it again.
At that point…I don’t know. Maybe?