Too much? Fine, I won't bombard you with a bunch of puns about wrapping gifts but I will tell you there are millions and it was really hard to resist.
There are many types of gift givers. Re-gifters get the most flak for their lack of effort, but honourable mention goes to the clothes givers...specifically socks and underwear. If you buy these for anyone, especially children under 10, I can't help the likes of you (sorry). Really, my only tip is that the path to being the hero is paved with "electronics".
This isn't about gift-giving, though. That's a topic too volatile and rife with tension for me. I always prefer topics no one really cares about. So I'm going "gift-wrapping" here today. I think I'm safe with it not being controversial or vaguely interesting. If nothing else, it's timely? I mean seriously...it's the 23rd. Unless you are a man? You better have that crap all bought by now. (if you are a man, you have loads of time. I think the mall is open until 6pm tomorrow and you're off work at 5? You're probably okay...)
1: The "card" people...
These guys don't buy gifts so they have nothing to wrap. But the card!! The card is the wrapping and it is stellar. They go out to a real card store. Not Walmart. Not the grocery store. They peruse the Christmas cards and find a specific one, although they are not above buying a boxed set if they have "meaningful" captions (When I think of special times...I think of you) . Also a big draw is if this box of assorted cards has a faint line of glitter to suggest snow and a "theme" such as; family riding in a horse-drawn sleigh through woods, same family having playful snow-fight while mother beckons at the door with hot cocoa, etc. These folks write normally write the old standard "Merry Christmas" in direct defiance of political correctness. They might stick a $20 bill in the crease of the card.
2: The "gift-card" people.
If you think you are getting out of the whole wrapping thing here, do not, under any circumstances, look up how to wrap a gift card on Pinterest. You will regret it. (a hand-stitched and embroidered little pocket?) And although I wasn't going to talk about the gift-giving, the gift-card merits a few comments. It's a way of saying, here is money that you may ONLY use in the store of my choice. The gift-carders have good intentions, they just might be the slightest bit lazy? Or afraid of rejection. Or easily overwhelmed. Or me.
They (we) justify it like this. If they gave cash, you'd just file it in your wallet. This way, when you see the little "Home Depot" you will groan, roll your eyes, possibly curse and say seriously, Home Depot? and think of them (me) See? No downside.
But back to wrapping...
3: The "gift-bag" people.
Okay, they bought the stupid gift. Now they are expected to wrap it? Does it ever end?? Solution: Cute gift bag, tissue paper stuffed on top, done and done. Next!!
4: The "gift-box" people
Okay, they bought the stupid gift. Now they are expected to wrap it? Does it ever end?? Solution: Cute gift BOX, tissue paper stuffed on top, done and done. Next!!
(yes, I know I could have combined the previous two, but I wanted to get to the number five. (lists usually go to at least five)
5: The gift-wrapped with matching bow people
Aka, the Martha's. Aka, the people with jee-ust a smidge too much time on their hands. It's possible I'm a little jealous, but THESE people have the wow-factor dialed up! Spectacular shiny wrapping paper that you just know they probably pre-ordered online in October. Ribbons. No, you don't understand, not just bows...ribbons!! Some holly tucked in beside the magnificent bow at the top. And of the 22 different presents about to be given by this person, there are as many varieties of this wrapping paper, all echoing the same motif and/or colour. Upon receiving such a gift from such a person, the exclamation is this (one hundred percent of the time...) "Wow. It's so pretty, I almost don't want to open it!" (don't believe them, they do want to open it. Furthermore they kind of resent it that they have to sit there and go on about the wrapping job).
Kids like these people the best. Based mainly on the theory that if they go to so much trouble and expense wrapping this gift, the gift itself must be, well. You can imagine. Studies have shown that socks and underwear givers do not normally match this type of wrapper's profile.
I now understand the whole Santa thing. He may get all the credit for all your hard work, but him and his elves are also pretty cool about taking the blame for poorly wrapped or thought-out gifts. Wow, I guess they were busy at the North Pole this year! (handing kid a gift wrapped in a Walmart bag). From what I understand, a big plate of delicious cookies is a legitimate peace offering, which means he is okay in my book.
So whatever type you are...get busy!! And if you are looking for the scissors, you are sitting on them. Yes, that's what that was. Don't make a drinking game out of losing the scissors or the tape. You have too much wrapping to get through. In fact, why are you even reading this, you should be wrapping feverishly!! (but thank you for reading this).
Let's wrap it up now. (sorry. I just had to)