No, I’m not being materialistic – I do need more stuff - but maybe to clarify, I need more "new" stuff. Yesterday, my crock-pot was hissing and sputtering as it cooked, because of the hairline fracture through the center. Management has argued that it still works, why is a new one required? The dog, who has a barking conniption at just the sound of the furnace coming on, was absolutely beside herself at these weird little sounds happening intermittently. The noise was new, the crock pot, not so much. I need a new one. I make a lot of crock. A lot. Of crock.
I went to a bridal shower recently. It didn't literally shower brides (all of her friends are also “brides-to-be” so it would not be outside of the realm of possibility). The brides-to-be each had their own end-game in mind and knew exactly what to do to ensure this bride scored big – giving out bridal registry information and gift suggestions and making sure the gift table had really strong legs.
Sadly, I'm not a bride-to-be. Been there, done that…wore out all the gifts (any gifts still usable from my wedding can now be appreciated at the Goodwill). I don’t even have a milestone birthday on the horizon where I can have party and force people to get me new stuff. That milestone birthday is way down the line. Way, way, waaay down the line. You can barely see it. I personally can't even see it (although I keep my eyes covered at all times).
It doesn't have to be stuff, it can be money too. I would like people to give me money so that I can join the bride and her new husband on their honeymoon in Spain. I'm sure they would welcome the company, I mean, it’s just the two of them, what else are they going to do? They'll be so bored. I've watched a lot of Dora the Explorer in the past, I have a pretty solid working knowledge of Spanish, I think. Especially if I have to ask a monkey something.
Okay, I admit it. My knowledge of Spanish is probably not the biggest issue here. My point is that they really shower (spoil?) these kids who are young and innocent but really haven’t paid many dues yet…and I'm not talking about student loans (although they haven’t paid those either).
I'm just saying that the people who have been through the war with marriage, with kids, with life...and who have the scars to prove it (thinking now that maybe a war analogy might come across as somewhat negative…) We don’t get showered with gifts for our efforts. Oh, you had a little trouble finding a veil that was a "pearl" white as opposed to a "classic white?" did you? You poor thing. I can imagine that was stressful. Did I mention that at one point I carried two human lives inside my body for 9 months and consequently helped raise them into amazing young women? That without me, an entire family of four would literally fall into an unlaundered, unfed heap and never ever find anything ever? Yeah…no biggie. Let’s go back to talking about how much you deserve the 3-tier crystal serving platter?
They got married this past weekend and this bride is the sweetest, most lovely girl and deserves every bit of happiness and more importantly, it doesn't have to be the platter. Like I said, I’d be happy with just straight up cash. Who has time to entertain at the “crystal serving platter” level? I would just like a bunch of extra money to go out and buy things that seem crazy to buy at this point in life. Like a box of brand new dishes. Just plain dishes! We ran out of plates the other day in an unfortunate who’s turn is it to run the dishwasher malfunction, and I ripped up the box itself to hand over the pizza slices.
What is this??
No, this thing you are handing it to me on.
Oh, yeah. It’s the box.
We've come to this?
I need a shower.
I agree. But your personal hygiene is hardly the issue.
I meant a bridal sho – Fine! If hygiene is not the issue, you are welcome to the plate the dog licked. It looks immaculate.
Okay, truthfully, things are not so dire that I need to be given things or even given money. It’s just that unless it’s given to me, I tend to talk myself out it. If I'm buying a gift, I pick out a new crock-pot based on it being the cutest one on the shelf. Oh, I have to get them the one with the little round buttons, it’s adorable. And it’s red! Red is so…so kitcheny! When I'm buying it for myself, I have to study it, do research on it, find the most reliable brand, the best price, special features...and as much as Google helps me out, I know I'm not going to want to do all this again any time soon, so I have to squeeze a long life-span out of this thing.
All of those requirements sound…tiring (yawn). They are almost reason enough to just put up with hiss, pop, barkbarkbark, hiss, pop, barkbarkbark, hiss, pop...
nothing? (finally. She gets it)
(10 seconds later...) BARKBARKBARK!BARKBARKBARK!!!! (scaring the crap out of me)
Do I just stop making crock? I don’t see that happening. Crock is my favourite. Nothing like nice, big steaming bowl of crock.