You know, except for the Internet. Or Bloomberg. CNN or Fox News. Colbert, Fallon, Kimmel…Ellen. Twitter. Linkedin. Instagram. Tumblr? A teenager. A newspaper. The magazine rack at the grocery store. The candy bars beside the magazines. Twix. Snickers. Caramilk. Reese…wait, what are we talking about again?
Now that I’ve revealed the way my typical train of thought always loops back to chocolate eventually...here is my version of five things that people may or may not have talked about this week.
1. Bathrooms. Washrooms? Restrooms? Lavatory? (no...not lavatory)
So, apparently, this is the big news this week. The Trump administration made some big decisions regarding transgender bathroom guidelines. After giving my usual 8 seconds of thought to the matter, I have the solution. At first I thought - hey, how about everyone stop drinking water? Problem solved! Then I realized I’d also have to include not drinking coffee and well, that is just ridiculous, obviously.
Then it hit me (you might want to alert your Trump of my genius). I vote that y’all make a separate bathroom for every conceivable gender out there - every single one. The added bonus is that deciphering the little drawings on the door could double as a fun, interactive game!
Okay, true - they’d have to build second buildings everywhere just to house the public restrooms, but it is only fair...and Trump loves to build stuff? I’ve also heard that some people can train their pets to use the toilet. This should also be a bathroom (the picture though, right?)
You may think I’m crazy, but hear me out. Public restrooms are, generally speaking, pretty disgusting. Therein lies the beauty of my idea! (whispering now...) When you really gotta go? Sneak into the dog one. They prefer fire hydrants...I guarantee there will be no line-up whatsoever and it will be in pristine condition. You didn’t hear it from me.
2. The Oscars:
It’s all about La La Land, from what I’ve read. I haven’t even seen it, because I don’t really enjoy musicals (despite the tiny hesitation I had when I heard Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone starred in it). Then...still, no. Not that I am against the idea of just breaking out into song and climbing on to a chair, while random strangers form an impromptu and highly choreographed dance routine around me. I actually love that idea. I’ve tried it in my own house, but as yet, have had no luck in anyone joining in besides my dog. And she barks really off-beat. Pitchy.
Of course Meryl is nominated for something (duh), but can we give it to Emma Stone? She’s so cute and funny and slays everything she stars in. And Ryan Gosling! He isn’t the star of all those “hey girl…” memes for nothing! Actually - he is. He’s even said how he doesn’t understand why he is that guy. (someone give Ryan a mirror). Anyway, I hope they win because they have a crazy, stupid love and a canary yellow dress and it’s a movie where people sing all the time and what more do you want out of life.
3. Zealandia....and a bunch of Earths:
So, the other day I was at a family gathering and tried to get some good conversation going by mentioning the new continent they discovered.
What? Don’t tell me you haven’t heard about it either? Near New Zealand? Covered with water?? It was met with blank stares (kinda like you guys right now). Then I had to go and make it worse by saying…”they are calling it Zealandia” prompting my sister to gently remove the plate of cookies from my hand, “think we've had enough sugar for today…”
Evidently people aren’t talking about it, but they SHOULD be - because there IS one. Unless Google is doing that thing where it likes to make me look stupid. Like when I looked up “Bowling Green” or “What happened in Sweden..."
That’s okay! They discovered other stuff too! They found a bunch of new earth-like planets and for some reason, people latched on to this one a little more readily. I mean, what good is an underwater continent...but a WHOLE nuther earth?? The possibilities! I’m very excited. Ever since Donald Trump became president, I’ve had this little niggling fear about the utter decimation of the earth, via nuclear holocaust. But now! No worries! We can pack up and head out there. Start fresh. Let’s not do the whole Russia/America/China/Canada thing. I say we call it…
"La La Land". Or maybe - "The Planet of Many Bathrooms". I’m guessing that if these earths are currently inhabited, we’ll also need some alien version restrooms…
4. Canada Warming
I decided to go a little more local here, newsbuzzwise. It’s warmer here this week in Canada. Mock all you want, but it is NEWS up here. We tentatively shed a layer. Look both ways. Nothing froze in midair? All the parts are still moving? So we shed another layer. And another...I mean, you know. There are still about seventeen layers to go, but it is definitely something. Little patches of gross browny-green earth are now showing in the patchy melting snow. Today is it raining. Actual rain rain. Not freezing rain!
I get it. Rain is at the bottom of the barrel. I won't say "literally" because you look a little irate at all this weather talk.
5. The Tortoise and the Hare. Sort of.
I decided to go REALLY local here. My microwave and my crock-pot both died. At the same time! Which leads me to the obvious conclusion. They killed each other. It was probably the age-old battle over time, the microwave never acquiescing that speed RULES THE WORLD and the crock-pot refusing to be convinced, fighting to its (slow, painful) death.
Despite loyalty to both, equal use and treatment of both, equal praise and gratitude for anything coming out of either one (whether sweet or savoury), those two just never found a common ground. Ironically, they sat next to each other in peace...for garbage pick-up.
My new ones are both stainless steel - that worries me? Also, I heard the microwave mention radiation…
Join me next week, I’ll probably be live-streaming from La La Land…